A long time ago, in a mentality far, far away…
It is a period of civil war. Rebel F16V Vipers, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies manage to steal the secret designs of the Empire’s latest fashion collection.
Pursued by stormtroopers, Princess Ivanka races home on board Ego Two, hoping to save the fashion industry, to fix everything that is broken, and to turn every failure into a great success. Catastrophically, Ivanka’s spaceship is intercepted, but before being captured, she hides the designs inside the empty portfolio of her father’s Press Secretary…
On board Ego One, Ivanka’s father, King-President Donald I, is giving a press conference:
“Four score and seven years ago, our immigrant fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all rich men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure a deluded leader.
We are met on a great battlefield of that war: the immoral high ground. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for liberal ideas and the notion of democratic accountability. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, since I am responsible for their demise. Such a demise!
But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate – we cannot consecrate – we cannot hallow – those ideas. The world will long note, and long remember what we say here. It is for us the living to be dedicated here to the unfinished work, to the great task remaining before us, that this nation, under Me, shall have a new birth of Truth – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall never interfere with my lack of political experience, my lack of moral principles, or with making America great again.”
Meanwhile, Princess Ivanka escapes the evil Empire’s half-truthing agents only to fall into the clutches of perfidious Aquazzura lawyers, who accuse her of copying a fashion sandal’s red suede tassels in a bid to corner a new Vatican contract.
In the mistaken belief that Aquazzura is somewhere in Syria, King-President Donald I sends 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles to destroy their outlets and tells the press corps: “It shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have been allowed to happen. Believe me, it shouldn’t have happened. So sad!”
To be continued…